someone threw a dead crab at me
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
