saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
