Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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