I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
