your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Randomize
