my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I party with great urgency now.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
