Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
