he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
