Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
