his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
