We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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