one two three fourrrrnication!
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
