There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
