my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
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