oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
