shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
