grandma shit on top of the toilet
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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