I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
