you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
