Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's blow job season.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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