My underwear smells like fireworks.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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