So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
