Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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