Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
