very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
