he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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