Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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