how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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