He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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