It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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