So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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