Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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