It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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