he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
