she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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