Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
