Plan B is the new Plan A
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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