You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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