the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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