mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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