I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
