then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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