I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
