I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
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Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
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It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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