Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
