I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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