when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
