her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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