Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
