You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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