My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
