have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
