Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
