I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
