If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
