margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
