just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
