It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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