I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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